Competition...

...An event in which there are more losers than winners. Otherwise it's not a competition. A society based on competition is therefore primarily a society based on losers.

- John Ralston Saul

Words Are Windows, the song

Last week I posted the poem "Words Are Windows (or They're Walls)", by Ruth Bebermyer. Over the weekend, I diligently worked on the melody and chords for the song I heard in my head, and now I have a song! But the words have changed...

In Chapter 4 of the NVC book I'm reading, "Identifying and Expressing Feelings," Marshall Rosenberg talks about the difference among feelings, beliefs, and evaluations (which I would call judgments). He makes the point that feeling words relate to a person's emotional state, while beliefs and evaluations are more related to a person's perception of a situation. When a person uses the expression "I feel..." followed by a belief or evaluation rather than an emotional state, there are two likely results: first, the belief or evaluation (which might be incorrect) is somehow justified or given more weight by the listener as a feeling; second, this type of statement produces a defensive reaction in the listener by inferring blame or responsibilty for the situation and the speaker's belief or evaluation. It is much more accurate and effective to state the belief or evaluation, and the feeling caused by it, separately and clearly.

So while I was working on memorizing the words to Ruth Bebermyer's poem, I noticed something. The first two lines of the poem - "I feel so sentenced by your words, I feel so judged and sent away" and the line in the last verse "If you feel I didn't care" are examples of evaluations stated as feelings! We don't really know what the speaker is feeling, but she/he makes the evaluation that she is being judged and sent away by the listener in the first case, and that the listener doesn't care in the second.

Is it a big deal in a poem or a song? Probably not - but I'm a bit obsessive sometimes so I changed the words, as well as cleaning up the grammar and some other things. Enjoy!

The words you use they sentence me
Judged, convicted, sent away
Before I go I have to know
Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense
Before I speak in hurt or fear
Before I build that wall of words
Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they’re walls
They sentence us, or set us free
When I speak and when I hear
Let the love light shine through me

There are things I need to say
Things that mean so much to me
If my words don’t make me clear
Will you help me to be free?

If I seem to put you down
If you think I didn’t care
Try to listen through my words
To the feelings that we share

Words are windows, or they’re walls
They sentence us, or set us free
When I speak and when I hear
Let the love light shine through me
When I speak and when I hear
Let the love light shine through me

Words are Windows (or They're Walls)

by Ruth Bebermeyer

This poem appears in Marshall Rosenberg's book "Nonviolent Communications."

I feel so sentenced by your words,
I feel so judged and sent away,
Before I go I’ve got to know
Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they’re walls,
They sentence us, or set us free.
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,
Things that mean so much to me,
If my words don’t make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn’t care,
Try to listen through my words
To the feelings that we share.

When I first read it the other night, I immediately heard it in my head as a song - I can't wait to get my guitar out this evening and put it together.